Dear Mindful Friends and Relatives,
It is
said that death is inescapable and unpredictable. Death is not easy for most of
us to discuss, comprehend, or accept. When it strikes it often leaves us in
stages of deep grief and suffering, searching our souls to understand Death’s purpose. When
I think of memorable quotes about death there is an Eskimo saying that helps me
see the connections between the loss of our loved ones and the knowledge that
they have left their suffering here, on earth. It goes like this, “Perhaps they
are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones
pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” I love
this quote since it reminds me that, even though we feel much grief at the
passing of our relatives and friends, their deaths connect them to something
beyond us; to all things beautiful and free.
For several years there has been a continuous
stream of tragic, preventable, premature deaths in the different communities on my reservation (Fort Berthold reservation in North Dakota). The number of deaths over the years has been excessive and steady and many of us we have not healed from the passing of
our relatives and friends. Many of us carry the complicated, heavy feelings of grief
and trauma in our hearts and minds. Unfortunately, it seems that Death will continue to be a frequent visitor to our part of
the world since there does not seem to be a comprehensive plan, by the people and for the people, to stand up to Death.
On our reservation, Death results from various, preventable health-related causes such as cancer,
heart disease, obesity, depression, and diabetes. Death from substance abuse
and alcohol, also preventable, is common. Accidents are by far the largest killer on the reservation,
especially vehicle crashes. Then there are the violent deaths: murder and
suicide which strip away our hope, sense of security, and order, and leave us
broken and damaged. Murder and suicide are, perhaps, the most difficult to heal
from.
Recently, New Town/Fort Berthold residents Martha Johnson (age 64) and her three grandchildren
Benjamin (13), Julia (10), and Luke Shuster (6) were murdered in their home by a young man named Kalcie Eagle (age 21), a tribal member. Martha and her grand kids were not tribal members. This story has been covered by several national newspapers and networks and has detailed what happened in this horrible tragedy. The killings shocked the community and many folks doing a lot of soul searching following this awful event. I cannot imagine the grief, confusion, and
anguish that Martha and her grand children’s family and friends must be going
through. When such awful, heartbreaking events happen so quickly and violently,
coping with the shock, numbness, and the psychological disorganization that
occurs, is sometimes the only thing that is possible.
It is must be also be exceptionally painful and difficult
for the parents and relatives of Kalcie Eagle, who ended up tragically taking his own life shortly after the murders. It’s such a terrible,
sad situation for the families, relatives, and friends of all the deceased. And,
what to say at times like this to aid in understanding of why these deaths
happened and how all involved can heal, is difficult when so much
suffering, confusion, and sadness is at hand.
In this column, I would like to offer my
condolences and an abundance of healing thoughts and prayers to everyone
affected by this tragedy, especially the families and relatives of the
deceased. I send loving thoughts and happiness to those that have passed as
they journey from this world to the next. Healing from what’s happened will take
some time and a lot of deep reflection, acceptance, and forgiveness from all
involved. And, while it may seem too soon to offer some prescriptions or
thoughts of how to prevent more tragedies of this nature, I would ask the
families and relatives of the deceased to forgive me for moving forward to do
so.
First, what may be most important to remember is
that, even though what’s happened is gut and heart wrenching, the affected families
and community can and will heal and recover. Many times when an extremely
adverse trauma is still fresh and being processed, many folks feel like they
may never recover from what’s happened. This is a normal (but very difficult)
response in dealing with the early stages of death and grief. At this point,
it is important for the aggrieved to be able to find safe places to express
their heartache and sorrow, and to be supported as they do so.
Second, it is essential for all that are
affected to allow themselves to believe that healing and recovery can and will
happen. Research shows over and over again that those people that live the
longest, happiest, and healthiest lives following a traumatic event, are folks
that have faith (or believe) they can heal and recover. They are individuals
that adapt well in the face of adversity and can turn tragedy into
opportunities for positive change. We should never underestimate the human
capacity to thrive after serious adversity.
It is important for these kinds of folks, the thrivers and survivors to come
forward, reach out, and offer stories of hope and healing to all that have been
affected by this recent tragedy. And, if healing from death is to come full
circle, it is also important that the survivors extend their knowledge and wisdom
to all those that have yet to recover from the past tragic deaths in the
community and on the reservation. Someone once said that we are all healers, and
when we reach out to one another with compassion, love, and good intentions, we
open an incredible space for healing to happen.
Third, it is important to remember that there is
a remarkable life force in unity. The energy that emanates from humans that are
unified with one another is simply amazing. None of us have all of the answers
or even the strength that is required to deal with the many difficult
challenges we will face in our lifetimes. Nearly everyone one of us needs
support, guidance, and wisdom from others in order to successfully to navigate our
way through this world. Human beings do not do well when isolated from others;
even individual achievements are not individual achievements. Often, they are possible
because someone, or a company of someone’s, during an earlier time, provided a road map that could be followed. History shows that when humans join forces and walk
the road of difficulty together, support one another, and remain unified for a
common cause, almost anything can be attained.
If all community members, Native and non-Native, come together to talk
about the tragedy, the reasons it happened, and form a united front to work together to prevent
further calamities from happening, the community will not only heal, it will
become stronger, healthier, and intimately interconnected in a way that, right
now, may not seem possible.
Fourth, it takes a community to heal a community.
The most effective response to the current and past deaths on our reservation
must come from within the communities and not from the outside. The approach
must be a community-driven, involving all sectors of the population: young,
old, grassroots, professional, men, women, parents, Native and non-Native, and
civic, religious, and political leaders. Don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of
good folks including grief counselors, social workers, healers, and religious
leaders that are from outside the community that can be helpful and support the
healing that goes on. But, they play a peripheral role; it’s an important
periphery, but it is secondary nonetheless. For what happens when the outside
folks leave? Who is going to take over the healing processes? Whose is going to
implement and maintain the necessary organizational and relationship changes and strengthening
that need to take place in order for healing to occur?
When I visited Fairbanks, Alaska last spring to
present my work on mindfulness to several University of Alaska Native social
work students, faculty, and community professionals, I came to understand just how
important these questions are. During a talk a Native elder spoke of how the
large number of murders and suicides that were being committed in her village
were devastating and heartbreaking for all the people. There was a great deal
of frustration, despair, and grief. The way that the fallout from the trauma had
always been handled was by having a psychiatrist or psychologist fly into the
village to offer grief counseling, which was appreciated, but not enough. After a few
hours of visiting and working with folks, the individual would leave the community to fly back to
his office in a distant city, leaving a lot of open wounds and confusion about
what should be done next.
Folks in the village began to talk about what
was happening, how they felt, how the short-term, outside help wasn’t enough, and
what they could do as a village to change their circumstances. It was not long
before they got most of the village, Native and non-Native, involved in working
together to prevent more deaths. To accommodate everyone they began using
traditional and non-traditional helping approaches to aid in the healing of the
trauma. They came up with a plan, goals, and a vision of what they wanted their
village to look like and began working towards them. As the elder told the
story, members of her village who were in the audience chimed in about how
excited and optimistic they were to take the lead to overcome the tragic events
of their community. I’m not sure how successful this village has been since
they were in the midst of their work. Still, it moved me to see how ordinary,
everyday folks with a deep commitment could bring others together to work towards
a common goal. After listening to their painful, heartbreaking stories, I was inspired
at the depth the courage they had to take on such agonizing issues. Some of the
women were the mothers of sons that had committed suicide and some were mothers
of sons that had murdered the children of other mothers, who had decided to get involved. Come
to think of it, the movement seemed to be mostly inspired, guided, and
kept alive by the women of the village.
It takes a community to create a healing
community environment. It takes a community to inspire a healing movement. It
takes a community to agree upon a moral and behavior code that all can respect
and live by. It takes a community to give hope to its members and to build
bonds of trust, acceptance, forgiveness, and resiliency among the membership. Regardless
of race, color, gender, religion, sexual orientation, or belief, a community
must make sure that all of its children and people are protected, supported, cared
for, and provided with the guidance they need to become healthy, happy, responsible people.
Healing the aftermath of death is challenging
and heartbreaking. In our communities and on our reservation, we should grieve
all deaths, comfort all families that lose loved ones, prepare ourselves for
death, and most of all, we should do everything possible to stop those deaths
that are preventable. The next time you run into someone you know or don’t know,
ask them what they think could be done to bring unity and healing to all people
on the reservation. Discuss ways you can work together to bring healing,
understanding, and well being to everyone in all communities on the
reservation. Listen patiently and draw out everything that positive from the
conversation and share it with others in your next conversation, and the next,
and the next. It’s important to always remember that healing and unity between
all peoples on the planet is possible in this lifetime.
Michael Yellow Bird, MSW, PhD., is an enrolled
member of the Three Affiliated Tribes and a professor and the director of
graduate education in the Department of Social Work at Humboldt State
University, Arcata, CA. His teaching, writing, research, and community work
focuses on social work with Indigenous Peoples, neurodecolonization,
neuroscience and social work, and employing mainstream and traditional
Indigenous mindfulness practices in tribal communities to promote health and
well being. He can be reached by email at:
mjy9@humboldt.edu
